I wanted to call my dad after my interview today. I wanted to share how amazing the interview went and how excited I was just to be given the chance to interview for this job opening. I wanted someone to be proud of me; Proud of the face I got dressed up in a freshly pressed shirt and tie, I even wore dress shoes. I simply couldn’t bring myself to hold down the speed dial button on my cell phone. His number is still programmed into #4.

It wasn’t so much that I want to talk to him, I just want someone to be proud of me. I want someone to love me unconditionally, without pointing out my faults or my weaknesses. I want someone to listen to my fears and assure me that I am man enough to walk on and come though victoriously. I doubt myself minute by minute.  I am full of fear. To be point blank honest: I feel like my heart’s fucked up.

Author John Eldredge states in his book Wild at Heart that “masculinity bestows masculinity.” I missed out on that.  Instead now at 24 I am trying to figure out what it means to be a man.

I want a father. Please don’t post comments or flood my inbox with cute e-mails saying “Jesus is your daddy.” I probably could quote all the scriptures to you word for word. God presents Himself dominantly throughout scripture as God as Father. I don’t get it. I’ll get there with time. I’m simply searching, allowing myself to experience full brokenness at last. I need to cry. I hate crying.


2 Comments Add yours

  1. Lou says:

    You already know how to be a man. Think about the things you would bestow to your own son someday and there you go, masculinity bestowing masculinity. Maybe you missed out on the experience (thus far), but as I was told just last night, we are not the sum of our experiences.

    Also, good book: The Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart by Stu Webber

  2. stunningman says:

    Hey man – all of our hearts are messed up, not just yours. Some of us just aren’t brave enough to let anyone else know or even admit it to ourselves. And since the first step towards being close to God (for real close, not churchy or “cool-Christian” close) is understanding how broken we are, I know that He is working in your life. Keep hanging on!

    PS – Good words, Lou.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s