I wanted to call my dad after my interview today. I wanted to share how amazing the interview went and how excited I was just to be given the chance to interview for this job opening. I wanted someone to be proud of me; Proud of the face I got dressed up in a freshly pressed shirt and tie, I even wore dress shoes. I simply couldn’t bring myself to hold down the speed dial button on my cell phone. His number is still programmed into #4.
It wasn’t so much that I want to talk to him, I just want someone to be proud of me. I want someone to love me unconditionally, without pointing out my faults or my weaknesses. I want someone to listen to my fears and assure me that I am man enough to walk on and come though victoriously. I doubt myself minute by minute. I am full of fear. To be point blank honest: I feel like my heart’s fucked up.
Author John Eldredge states in his book Wild at Heart that “masculinity bestows masculinity.” I missed out on that. Instead now at 24 I am trying to figure out what it means to be a man.
I want a father. Please don’t post comments or flood my inbox with cute e-mails saying “Jesus is your daddy.” I probably could quote all the scriptures to you word for word. God presents Himself dominantly throughout scripture as God as Father. I don’t get it. I’ll get there with time. I’m simply searching, allowing myself to experience full brokenness at last. I need to cry. I hate crying.