Thoughts. Ramblings. Bitchings.

I sit on my big green couch. The lights are off. (Yes, I am sitting in the dark.) The glow of the computer screen illuminates my face. Killain, my 65lb yellow lab is laying on the couch as well. She broke the “no dogs on the couch rule” tonight. It just feels better having her beside me. I will vacuum the dog hair up tomorrow.

It’s been a weekend full of conversations. Some were indepth and involved topics like sex, intimacy, hope, homosexuality, racism and the Lord, while others were lighthearted and made me laugh. So many of my friends are ready to move on to a new stage in their life. Some are ready to leave everything and everyone behind and flea to another city. One is ready to simply get married and spend “forever” with his wife. Another dreams of a new life in Boston. It seems that everyone has it figured out. Call it their “Five Year Plan”– they know where they want to be and what they want to be doing five years from now. For myself it’s a struggle to know what I want five days from now– or what the next five minutes holds. I do however wonder what God’s “Master Plan” is for me. For years I felt called to be a Youth Pastor. That calling has faded. I believe the Lord has more for me than to work in a Call Center the rest of my life. (Personally, I think I am too talented and gifted.) But, maybe that is what He has for me now. Call Center. House Church Leader. Roommate. Friend to many. Counselor to some.

I am starting to like Columbia. No, it’s not my dream city. (I mean hell, I live in the ghetto.) But slowly I am seeing the good here. There are new developments, shops, galleries and bistro’s opening all the time. I think this city just requires one to look below the harsh exterior. There is culture here. While there are numerous things I hate like the humidity, homelessness, racial barriers, the filth and the dysfunctional highways- maybe I can make it here another year or two.

I am considering writing a book. I am not ready to go into the details yet, but needless to say it will be an expression of my life thus far, the wars, tears, victories and failures. Maybe it will inspire others. Maybe others will find the hope and help they need to gain victory in their own lives.

I get an Epidural Steroid Injection on Tuesday at 3p. In all honestly, I am not looking forward to it. Looking at me and my tattoos and piercings you wouldn’t think that I have a fear of needles. I DO THOUGH. I HATE NEEDLES. Every time I have blood drawn or get a shot I sing Christmas carols to myself. It is my way of taking my mind off of it. I did some research on WebMD and Google and found out that the procedure only has a 50% success rate. The complications though are slim to none. Worst case scenario would be that my legs would be numb for about a week. At this point, that would be okay with me since most of the pain I am experiencing is in my lower back and my legs.

Well, it is almost 4a. Lately I have been plagued with the inability to sleep. I even tried taking my sleeping meds again and they have failed me. My dad gave me some amazing advice and said that eventually your body will get tired and give up— and in the giving up comes sleep. I really hope my body decides to surrender to some good, deep sleep soon!


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